Otoshi Poetry

Before my emotions blind me from learning a lesson, I need to be honest with my feelings. I can no longer be afraid of what another thinks of my truth. My honesty can only open doors, even if those doors begin with temper, resistance, and awkwardness.

To believe in what I wrote the other day, I must accept that any decision I make will ultimately create an opportunity or lesson to be learned. I need to accept that without my honesty, all I can expect is misconception.  I must remember that fate will lead me in the direction I choose - that my fate will be influenced by my honesty.

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I can feel the blindness of my emotions flowing through my words. This time there will be no censorship. This is the honest truth. These are my true feelings.

So now to let my emotions blind me.

I don’t know what I feel right now. I can’t even type this without a thought or two coming into my mind, and my arms are slightly trembling. I am not mad, just disappointed in myself for placing my trust in places that maybe I shouldn’t have. If you learn something about me here and now, trust is what I live for. Trust is a mutual bond, an unspoken word - a feeling of subconscious protection like the cell membrane of a red blood cell.

I give my trust to all I meet. I’ll trust you until you prove me otherwise. I do not listen to the constant chatter of the masses, because unless I know something is a fact, how can I be certain? Rumors ruin relationships and I am not going to let falsity sway me. I believe in honesty and what I see. I let you speak your tale and I’ll always believe your opinion first over another. Trust to me is sacred. Trust is not meant to be broken, so when it is, it sorrows me. Breaking trust is a violation of honesty. There are unwritten rules to trust which may not be broken without consequences in return.

And maybe I’m reacting a little too irrationally.

Maybe It is not fair to those I hide my feelings from, because how are they suppose to know? How are they suppose to know their feelings for another put me in such a strange state of mind? How are they suppose to know to tell me, to ask me, just so I would be aware of their truth? How am I suppose to blame them when they did not know my own truth? How can I expect without respecting first?

For one of you, you very well know what happened here. We discussed this. I told you to tell me. I told you I wouldn’t be upset - that I probably would even aid you in your quest.

So why now?

We need to talk. I feel like I’ve been putting a lot of time into getting you back on your feet and I feel you might be forgetting about the time I put in to you. I know you’re stressed and that is why I always come to help and put you first over me. 

That’s my flaw - putting others over myself. I begin to lose sight of my goals and my priorities because others take priority over myself. I really don’t mind that. I’ll figure out my own stuff later. But I’d at least like to be acknowledged for it. I feel like you went behind my back a little bit again, even if we decided that I wasn’t into her anymore. I really just wanted to hear the words from your mouth instead of from your actions.

Please be honest and tell me what you want to do. I’ll accept it. Life will go on, but our friendship may begin to dwindle if the same behavior continues to happen over and over. When I keep finding out about situations like this, my trust level can only stay the same for so long.

You know I always put you first, so please don’t take advantage of that.

As for the other of you two, you probably don’t know what is going on. You might not understand why I’m making such a big deal out of this. I might seem even crazier than my normal crazy self.

I’d like to start my process of honesty by saying: I liked you for a while. We can go into details another time in person, but I feel telling you is important to clear all this miscommunication.

I apologize for giving mixed signals without being honest before. I’m very afraid of relational commitment because I’m afraid of ruining friendships if it doesn’t work out. I also know I told you some new information that essentially makes me unavailable, so I understand that you would move on from me without thinking much of it.

I have no right to be upset at you because you didn’t have the context of my perspective. You didn’t know I liked you, so you wouldn’t have known to think any differently about your choices. I reacted on what I forgot you didn’t know, and in turn wrongly pulled you into my drama.

Even still, if you value the friendship and trust we have built, I would really appreciate being honest about anything that might potentially make me have an emotional reaction to it in the future. I’ll take it with a good heart, with a kind spirit, and with an optimistic attitude, even if it is something that will negatively impact me.

Fate leads me where it wants me to wander, and so I guess I was fated to see this moment today with my own two eyes. I know there were no harmful intentions, but I wanted to honestly express myself to clear any future misunderstandings. 

I’m going to let today slide without any blame and without any repercussions to our trust levels, but if you have learned anything from this response - I value honesty and truth over all and I want both of you to be honest with me in the future~